Shepherd vs Hireling

I was 23 when I got married the first time, I had no idea what I was in for, I definitely had the opinion that getting married would be the end of the hardships in life. The first 6 months or so was fine.... but things started spiraling.  Elder Bruce C Hafen described the tests or wolves that marriages face as this "The first wolf is natural adversity. The second wolf is our own imperfections. And the third wolf is excessive individualism." In my first marriage we fell victim to all 3 tests.

First, life hit us hard!! We were struggling financially, we had family drama in each of our own families, I suffered a miscarriage, and we were both university students with full class loads and full-time jobs and had no time or energy for each other. Second, we brought out the worst characteristics of each other. I was impatient and critical of him, and he was lazy, controlling, and unforgiving. Instead of trying to improve upon ourselves to make things easier, we used our negative qualities to attack each other. And third, we both wanted to do what we wanted, when we wanted, and didn't want to have to consult with the other person.... our marriage very much felt like a cage holding us back. I didn't know it at the time, but we were in a contractual marriage.

Elder Bruce C Hafen said, "Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.” Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee.... When troubles come, the parties of a contractual marriage (hireling) seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage (shepherd), the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent."

My ex-husband and I only wanted to be together while we felt like we were getting things out of the marriage, and both wanted to run at the smallest sign of trouble, and we took out our frustrations on each other. And then the small troubles turned into big troubles, and we were separated about a year and a half after we got married. 

My current marriage is completely different from that! We have had hard times come our way, but instead of turning on each other, we turn toward the Lord, and love and support each other through it. We work together to build the life we have dreamed of. We sacrifice personal time and our individual wants for each other. We live a covenant marriage instead of a contractual marriage. We have faith when hard times come that if we do all we can together, then Heavenly Father will help us and support us, and that these trials will bring us closer together and help us build a stronger marriage... and help us be better people long term!

Same-sex marriage

Alexander Dushku is absolutely right when he pointed out that culture affects laws, but laws then affect culture, that it's a cycle. And that by making this a law a can of worms was opened for a lot of our personal freedoms to slowly be stripped away. And I very much agree with the minority dissent of the Obergefell v Hodges, when Judge Thomas points out that the judicial branch of the government shouldn't be the place that this decision was made, but it should have been made in the legislative branch, by vote. However, all of that being said, I don't think that what is happening in this situation is much different than what happened with civil rights. During that time a lot of personal freedoms were stripped away in the name of abolishing racism, just like now a lot of freedoms are being stripped away in the name of abolishing bigotry. I also believe that this movement could be pushed too far if we aren't careful, and that's the scary part especially for religious people and religious freedoms.

Ultimately, I don't believe that government should be involved in marriage at all, but since the government has involved itself, we as religious people need to separate civil unions/ civil marriages and religious covenants/ covenant marriages, in our minds and in our practices. There is a difference between a civil union/ civil marriage of 2 people who legally want to be recognized under the law as being together and reap the legal and emotional benefits that come with that, and two people who wish to not only be joined together before God, but have God as a third member of their relationship.... and there are many varying degrees in between those 2 points on the spectrum. I served a mission in Russia, and everyone there has to go to the courthouse and sign basically civil union papers, and then they can go off and do whatever kind of celebration or religious service that they want to do.... and I truly believe that that’s how it should be everywhere. Governments can be involved in civil unions/ civil marriages and granting privileges to people under the law who are in that type of relationship, and Churches/ religions, and God should be involved in covenants and religious sacraments, and there should be very little crossover between those 2 things. I am not a lawyer or someone who has studied the law much, but that to me is one way to protect both religious beliefs and personal freedoms of individuals. 

Good marriages and good relationships in general should be about love, trust, commitment, communication, supporting each other through hard times, financial stability, hard work, fun recreation, honesty, respect, and so many other good things. And I believe God wants all of those good things for ALL of his children because He loves them and cares about them. I believe there is a good, better, best situation happening here. Obviously, the best situation for the Plan of Happiness and what God wants most for us is to be sealed together as husband and wife for and time and all eternity. And for two people who have made covenants and are active in the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, to bring children into the world and parent those children in love and righteousness. That is the goal, the best goal possible!!  If that is the best option, the option that will lead to exaltation, then of course there are lesser options out there and those other options may be steppingstones to getting the to the best option. Two people (of any gender) standing up before their friends and family and committing themselves to each other and being committed to commitment.... is a good thing.... not the best thing and it might not bring them exaltation, but they will be able to grow and become better people in this kind of relationship and be able to have families and happiness in this life. I think we should love and support all people who are making good decisions for themselves and striving to be better people…. And realize that no relationship is perfect and it isn’t our place to judge any one else’s relationship!

I remember a story in LDS living about a lesbian couple who ended up getting divorced so that they could join the church, it is a very interesting story and in a roundabout way their marital relationship is what led them to be active members of the church.

Here is the story: http://www.ldsliving.com/Watch-A-Lesbian-Couple-Shares-Why-They-Divorced-to-Join-the-Church-in-Powerful-Video/s/86166 (Links to an external site.) Very worth the read and watching the video!

In the 2012 “State of the Unions” report, which monitors the current health of marriage and family life in America, indicates that divorce rate today is about twice that of 1960. The average couple marrying for the first time has 40 to 50 percent chance of divorce. Divorce is becoming much more commonplace than it once was, and we are seeing the consequences of that all around us. The State of Unions report also says, “Marriage is not merely a private arrangement; it is also a complex social institution.  Marriage fosters small cooperative unions—also known as stable families—that enable children to thrive, shore up communities, and help family members to succeed during good times and to weather the bad times.” It’s in our personal and societies best interest to strengthen and preserve marriage.

President Kimball, stated, “ …only those who believe deeply and actively in the family will be able to preserve their families in the midst of the gathering evil around us.” So, as people who still believe wholeheartedly in marriage.... what can we personally do to help support, strengthen, and preserve marriage?

One thing we can do is teach our children (and everyone) the importance of the sealing covenant and covenants in general. My husband and I have been married 3 years, and it is the second marriage for both of us. In my case, my ex had a pornography addiction that I didn’t know about before we got married. He wasn’t worthy to be married in the temple when we got married in the temple, which just shows how much he really didn’t respect the covenants or understand the importance of it all. But one of the things that I learned from this experience is that even though my ex and I had dated each other for a long time before we got engaged and knew each other really well, I never asked or noticed some important things. For example, just because he went to church every week what was his testimony? Did he prioritize temple attendance above other activities? And so many other questions that could have helped me understand that his outward behavior was a mask for secrets and a lack of commitment to covenants.

Another thing we can do to help preserve and strengthen marriage is exemplify the truth about marriage, so that our kids and youth everywhere go into marriage with realistic expectations and not thinking it’s all about rainbows and puppy dogs. My ex’s parents never, ever, argued in front of their kids…. They presented a facade of everything being perfect all the time. And when their kids started getting married, they had extreme anxiety and huge problems every time they and their spouse would even disagree about little things. They all have been in couples’ therapy to learn how to work through issues when they thought divorce was the only answer. I believe kids need to see their parents have discussions, disagree and argue every once in a while, (maybe not extreme fighting, but you understand what I am saying). Kids also need to see them work through the arguments and come to a good decision and see the compromises. “A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.” It’s the daily choices that make a good marriage and it is critical that kids (and everyone) understands that. Marriage is worth fighting and struggling for, but how would your kids know that unless they see their parents actually fighting for it?

Divorce is such a tricky subject in and out of the church…. I feel like everyone knows that families, children, and societies are better off when spouses/ parents stay together, (as long as they are happy and have healthy relationships), but there are times where it just doesn’t benefit anyone involved to stay together. And it’s not up to us to judge anyone else’s situation or look down on anyone for being divorced. It’s a fine line that we walk between helping/ encouraging vs judging. I would really hate it if someone judged me because of my divorce. And I hope that people can realize that I wouldn’t be the person I am today, studying what I am studying with these life goals, if it weren’t for my divorce and the things that I learned in the process.

Welcome to Marriage Makes Perfect!!! 

Just a little about me... my name is Amberley, and I live in Eatonton, GA, which is an extremely tiny town about an hour east of Atlanta. I have been married for about 3 years to my best friend. We have known each other for over 10 years. We met at LDS Business College while we were both getting our associates degrees in accounting and finance. We had a lot of classes together, and did our homework together, and then for a year we worked at the Tutoring lab on campus together.... and plenty of other activities outside of school of course, haha. Then I went on a mission to Russia, and he got married about a month after I got back. Then I got married about a year after that. Then he got divorced, and a year and a half later I got divorced. We remained friends and in contact through facebook through it all, and then finally decided to date and see how it would go, and we ended up getting married 9 months later. It was a crazy, convoluted path to get us to where we are now, but we really couldn't be happier with it. 

My sweetheart and I (April, 2019)

I bet you are wondering why I named my blog this.... Well, first off, I believe marriage isn't just meant to be a temporary situation, I believe that it is meant to be an eternal relationship that benefits us in many ways now and throughout all eternity. And I believe one of the main purposes of this life, in general, is to help us become like Christ and we will eventually be perfected in Him. Marriage (and parenthood) is one of the best opportunities in our lives to really refine who we are and file off some rough edges. I can't think of any other relationship where in order to be successful you have to give so much of yourself, learn so many Christlike attributes, and really sacrifice for the greater good. But I also can't think of any other relationship that brings so much happiness, lasting joy, fulfillment, and growth.

So marriage not only brings us individually closer to being perfect and more Christlike by helping us to grow and improve, but also makes life a little more perfect because of the joy and happiness that comes throughout life together with your partner.

~See you next week!~