Shepherd vs Hireling

I was 23 when I got married the first time, I had no idea what I was in for, I definitely had the opinion that getting married would be the end of the hardships in life. The first 6 months or so was fine.... but things started spiraling.  Elder Bruce C Hafen described the tests or wolves that marriages face as this "The first wolf is natural adversity. The second wolf is our own imperfections. And the third wolf is excessive individualism." In my first marriage we fell victim to all 3 tests.

First, life hit us hard!! We were struggling financially, we had family drama in each of our own families, I suffered a miscarriage, and we were both university students with full class loads and full-time jobs and had no time or energy for each other. Second, we brought out the worst characteristics of each other. I was impatient and critical of him, and he was lazy, controlling, and unforgiving. Instead of trying to improve upon ourselves to make things easier, we used our negative qualities to attack each other. And third, we both wanted to do what we wanted, when we wanted, and didn't want to have to consult with the other person.... our marriage very much felt like a cage holding us back. I didn't know it at the time, but we were in a contractual marriage.

Elder Bruce C Hafen said, "Jesus taught about contractual attitudes when he described the “hireling,” who performs his conditional promise of care only when he receives something in return. When the hireling “seeth the wolf coming,” he “leaveth the sheep, and fleeth … because he … careth not for the sheep.” By contrast, the Savior said, “I am the good shepherd, … and I lay down my life for the sheep.” Many people today marry as hirelings. And when the wolf comes, they flee.... When troubles come, the parties of a contractual marriage (hireling) seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage (shepherd), the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent."

My ex-husband and I only wanted to be together while we felt like we were getting things out of the marriage, and both wanted to run at the smallest sign of trouble, and we took out our frustrations on each other. And then the small troubles turned into big troubles, and we were separated about a year and a half after we got married. 

My current marriage is completely different from that! We have had hard times come our way, but instead of turning on each other, we turn toward the Lord, and love and support each other through it. We work together to build the life we have dreamed of. We sacrifice personal time and our individual wants for each other. We live a covenant marriage instead of a contractual marriage. We have faith when hard times come that if we do all we can together, then Heavenly Father will help us and support us, and that these trials will bring us closer together and help us build a stronger marriage... and help us be better people long term!